Charles Esther
Mila had been dating her boyfriend for a year when she became pregnant.
Although both were excited about starting a family, pregnancy shifted Mila’s perspective.
Her partner began dodging simple responsibilities like grocery shopping, often insisting he “didn’t know how” even when given a detailed list.
This left Mila to handle cooking and cleaning alone, despite facing severe pregnancy symptoms and depression.
She compared his selective memory to his passion for cars: he could recall every detail of his favorite vehicle but feigned ignorance when it came to essential family needs.
By the third month of pregnancy, feeling unsupported and overwhelmed, Mila ended the relationship.
A year later, after giving birth to her daughter, she discovered the phrase “weaponized incompetence” — and realized it perfectly described her experience.
The Rise of Weaponized Incompetence
The term emerged in the mid-2000s and resurfaces regularly in online discussions, especially on TikTok and Reddit.
It typically refers to men in heterosexual relationships who perform well at work or in hobbies but consistently “fail” at domestic duties.
A 2023 Pew Research Center study confirmed the imbalance: women continue to shoulder most household responsibilities, despite advances in gender equality at work.
Divorce attorney Dennis Vetrano noted that many women cite this imbalance as a core reason for divorce.
Psychotherapist Matt Lundquist added that the COVID-19 pandemic worsened the problem, as lockdowns forced couples to renegotiate chores — yet women once again became the default caretakers.
From Excuses to Evasion
Weaponized incompetence goes beyond clumsiness or lack of skill.
It occurs when someone uses “I don’t know how” as an excuse to avoid tasks, refusing to learn or improve.
Arlie Hochschild’s landmark 1989 book The Second Shift described how women work both outside the home and inside it — carrying a double burden of paid and unpaid labor.
Some women share strikingly similar experiences.
Jordan recalled her ex-boyfriend claiming helplessness with basic chores, leaving her to feel like she was raising “another child.”
Marketing executive Colette Nataf divorced her husband after years of what she described as “managing another adult.”
His common excuse — “it’s too hard to remember everything” — echoed the frustrations of countless women who feel drained not by betrayal or lost love, but by exhaustion.
Women Carrying the Double Load
Despite growing financial independence, career advancement, and higher education levels, women still disproportionately take on domestic labor.
Divorce coach Nataf said this dynamic often leaves women feeling like they are parenting their partners instead of building equal relationships.
Online, frustration spills into viral moments.
A TikTok video of a boyfriend’s disastrous paint job — streaked walls, stained trim, splattered floors — drew millions of views and accusations of weaponized incompetence.
The woman later revealed she broke up with him. Commenters called it “a happy ending.”
Toward Solutions and Balance
Therapists caution against leading with accusations, as “weaponized incompetence” implies malicious intent.
Instead, they recommend focusing on the practical impact of unequal labor and inviting conversations about balance.
Partners can reset responsibilities by redistributing tasks more evenly and showing patience during the learning process.
But if genuine effort is absent, experts say walking away is valid.
As women’s financial independence grows, men will need to adapt — not only as providers, but as equal partners at home.
